 Hey guys. I made a website and this is my first entry. Cool, huh? I figured since CJ was so godly that I should copy His website since it's the best way to have a website.
Of course it doesn't live up to CJ's website. I think that's impossible. But you know, one can only try to come close. In fact I'm pretty sure no one can live up to anything CJ does ever, because everything He does is just so incredible and impossible to top or reproduce.
Like for instance one time He played this shred song on the guitar completely with His feet. He played it at ten thousand notes a second. He filmed it, but the camera exploded because it was too fast and incredible. He'll probably have to slow it down to 15 notes per second in order for people to watch it without exploding.
Oh and He painted His feet like bumble bees, because the song was by Bumblefoot. LOL! That's another thing about CJ. He's always making puns and they're always ridiculously hilarious. One time He used 40 different puns of my name in a single sentence. It was about "Leon the Lyin' Lion". I melted instantly when he told it to me. Not because of the puns, or the hilarity, but because He said my name in a sentence. Well.. words that almost sounded like my name. He rarely ever says anyone else's names because they're usually not worthy of Him saying them.
| music | system of a down |
| mood | incredibly happy |
| how much i love cj | RIDICULOUSLY MUCH |
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So I was listening to CJ's music. And then I thought about his hands stroking the guitar. And I imagined I was the guitar. I imagined him fingering me, and plucking my strings, and rubbing his sweaty palms all over my fretboard and..
Well let's just say I could've drowned if I hadn't stopped myself soon enough
| music | september 11th and the terrorists |
| mood | turned on by cj |
| how much i love cj | ;) ohh hot mama |
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I was watching CJ today at Shaun's house playing Wii. The way He gracefully moved His body.. His wondrous body.. His sexy, smooth body.. the way his muscles would bulge when he went in for the punch, the way he would jab, jab, jab his opponent. Jab, hook, jab.. he did it gently, and then JAB JAB JAB he rammed His opponent with the intensity of a thousand guitar solos. Pulling his arm back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. He finished His opponent off with an uppercut, which sent him flying high, high, HIGH, EVER SO HIGH INTO the sky.
Ohh. Sometimes I just get carried away.
But seriously, CJ can KO me anytime He wants ;)
| music | dearborn project |
| mood | smiling because of cj |
| how much i love cj | bag me up i'm good to go |
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I tried to listen to CJ's sperm song. I really tried. I swear. But the second the word "sperm" was mentioned I nearly drowned myself again. I had to wade knee deep through the pool I had left on the floor of the room just to reach back to the stop button.
It was a close one. Like, seriously. I have to watch myself next time, or I could kill myself.
| music | blastocyst - sperm song |
| mood | tense |
| how much i love cj | :O!!! |
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Guess what?
..
..
...
O_O
...
:):):):)
CJ made eye contact with me.
...
YEAH! INORITE
Isn't that crazy?
I mean like. Usually I cast my eyes in his presence. But I accidentally caught his eye when I was glancing over in his general direction when I put His supper on the table. It was such a marvelous experience. He has such beautiful blue gray eyes, like the sky so full of clouds.
| mood | O_O |
| how much i love cj | more than all the beautiful eyes in the world |
|
UGH IM SO STUPID SOMETIMES..
Okay, this is what happened. I was cooking lunch for him. I mean, breakfast was fine. Breakfast went without a hitch. He even told me He thought I did an alright job with my raspberry-lemon-cream stack of pancakes stacked on a stack of waffles. Usually when I make Him RLCSOFSOASOW He scowls at the work I did. Usually when I cook him every meal he scowls. Five times a day I get scowls. But this breakfast he said it was alright.
THEN. Lunchtime came. Maybe I was on a high from his compliment earlier, maybe I was just too sure of myself, too careless. But I dropped his dingoburger on the floor. Right in front of his throne. I was bring the plates out like usual, and just as I went to bow down to him I tripped on my skirt and his dingoburger went flying all over the ground and my skirt ripped.
I panicked. I desperately tried to fix my awful, awful blunder. CJ didn't say anything. He just had this look of disappointment. You know those looks? Those are always the worst.
UGH IM SO STUPID.
He told me he doesn't want me wearing skirts or pants anymore, because I'll just end up tripping on them again like the dumb woman I am.
| music | hatebreed |
| mood | frustrated >_< |
| how much i love cj | i'm not worthy of him |
|
Phew. I'm so glad it's over.
CJ was really pissed off about the lunch incident. You know, passive aggressive like He usually is.
But I made it up to Him. I found the sluttiest, craziest, most expensive prostitute in New England and let Him do whatever He wanted with her. He asked me to do it. He said that if I loved Him I'd get Him a prostitute. Someone who knew what she was doing for a change and would put out easier. And of course I loved CJ, and I didn't want to disappoint Him, and I just felt so guilty, that I went ahead and spent all my money on the whore.
CJ spent a handful of nights with her. I could tell because they were really loud in the next room over. I asked Him one night if I could join in for a threesome. You know, I said it all seductively and in my gown, and He slammed the door on my face. Aw:/ I guess that's what I get. I guess I was just pushing things a little too far.
But I'm glad things are back to normal now. He seems happy.
| mood | relieved |
| how much i love cj | enough to do anything for Him |
|
CJ and I laughed! For the first time in a while. It was nice to have a lightened mood for a change. It felt really good. Like, innocence you know? Hold on hold on, let me back up. I'll tell you how it happened.
So CJ dared me to abort the fetus.
I told Him I didn't really want to, but He called me a wuss and said to do it just to be existential and gave me that disappointed look again. Ooohh I just HATE that look. I feel so bad whenever I make Him feel disappointed.
So I got a coat hanger out of closet, twisted it around, and jammed it in there. It was a little bit hit or miss for a while, but I got that baby's brains scrambled good. The coat hanger was kind of stuck for a while, and we couldn't get it out. LOL. I tried warm water. I tried WD40. I tried baking soda. Nothing worked. Eventually we tied the coat hanger to the back of CJ's 16-wheeler. I stood there while he drove off, and it came clean out! There was so much blood everywhere, but I didn't feel a thing right away. I figure all the nerves must have been ripped out
Later on the swelling killed and I had to be bedridden for 2 weeks while it healed. I thought I needed stitches but CJ said it was best I didn't go to the hospital. He's probably right about that I think. He's always right I think.
I felt really guilty not being able to cook him meals for 2 weeks. But he found a way to move the kitchen into my room so I could still cook. Oh! He's so thoughtful.
LOL but okay, the funny part was when the truck pulled the coathanger out.. the fetus was still stuck to the end! It had this horrible looking facial expression. Like, mix twisted demon from hell with innocent victim of circumstances into one face and you get an idea what this freaking fetus looked like. Like, picture something like this: ;O LOL. CJ and I had a good laugh at that.
| mood | lightened for a change |
| how much i love cj | soul mates |
|
So I was panting. I couldn't feel my face. I was gasping for air. I couldn't keep it all in my mouth and so I spit it out all over his bed.
Well wait, hold on, lemme back up.
CJ and I just had our first fit of laughter sex. The most I've ever laughed at anything ever. It was amazing. Well, He was amazing. The words and the facial expressions and the movements and the impressions and the timing and the context.. all spiraling together.. it was like music. Beautiful, wondrous music.
I couldn't handle it.
I got a stomach ulcer.
Seriously.
It was so funny I got an ulcer.
I think I have to take a break from hilarity for the next week in order to recharge. I mean it, no one be funny to me, or I could start vomiting blood and shitting black Melena.
| mood | XD |
| how much i love cj | laughter sex |
|
So CJ thought it would be funny to mess with my emotions and he broke up with me. As a joke. Except it seemed really real.
I was balling my eyes out. I almost thought about committing suicide. I got the rope and the pills and the gun all set. It was a miracle I found out it was a joke in time.
Anyway, this is how it went down. I came home after a long days of work, and there he is, in bed with this hot blonde, both of them naked in each others' arms. I was shocked. Appalled. I didn't know what to think. I ran out of the room in tears, and I was punching the walls out of anger.
CJ came running after me.. like 30 minutes later after he finished up.. and was hugging me and trying to console me. I didn't know what to think. Then he told me he was in love with the other girl and that he never wanted to see me ever again.
I ran away from home. Far far away. I took a plane to Oklahoma City, any old place, and I tried to find work. But all the work was taken by people who had had at least a middle school education. So I resorted to prostituting myself on the street corner. I had to, there was no other way to survive. I sold my body to man after man, and sometimes woman, just to get a plate of food to eat. Sometimes I wouldn't even take their money, I'd just ask if I could stay for a hot meal. But they thought a hot meal meant a sweaty mouth full of penis, and the only thing they had to eat was drugs. So naturally I became addicted. I mean, in my situation, you'd do anything to escape the reality of your life.
One time the football team pulled up in a van, and all these guys blindfolded and gagged me and threw me into the truck. One by one they raped me. Over and over. They kept raping me. But I was used to that sort of thing, and I was high at the time anyway, so all I felt was numbness.
Then CJ called a day later and told me he needed help cooking -- well, he didn't know what to do, or at least didn't want to stoop down to a woman's level to do it --and to come back home to Medford. So I did. I mean, it's a woman's duty, right?
And there's CJ when I come back. With a big grin on his face, he lets out a huge "JK!!"
MAN! Was I in disbelief. That whole time he was just kidding.
| mood | Rollar Coaster |
| how much i love cj | Ambivalently Much |
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cj the fuckinest hot cj ever |
CJ looked so hot today. Like seriously.
He wore this red/black collared shirt and a tie and it was just like.. SO FUCKING HOT. Whenever I look at Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong I think of CJ now.
We weren't alone, so the tension just built and built and built. I couldn't contain myself. I ran into Terrance's bathroom and pleasured myself, just to relieve the sexual tension. But it wasn't enough.
We waited and waited and when we were finally alone, I had to go home. I was grounded.
NO CJ FOR A WEEK
Seriously, I've been having seizures. I can't handle it. Maybe I'll find a cat somewhere.
| music | barry white |
| mood | horny |
| how much i love cj | HES SO FUCKIN HOT |
|
For the first time ever, I thought CJ wasn't mad at me. It lasted from when I talked to him on the phone Thursday, and it changed my whole Friday mood, and I couldn't talk to him about it until Sunday night.
But it was just a mix up. I didn't understand him. I was talking about our future anniversaries, and I thought he was joking when he said "Oh getting ahead of yourself". I was like, worried he wasn't mad at me for doing that.
Turns out he was mad at me the whole time though, and that I was getting ahead of myself. You know, it's just his sarcastic tone that he has all the time that confused me.
The Sushi we got gave me diarrhea.
And CJ pissed all over me. He had to though, to protect me from the coyotes. They hate the taste.
| music | postal service |
| mood | relieved |
| how much i love cj | he saved my life |
|
I hate CJ.
| music | HOUSE the band |
| mood | done |
| how much i love cj | not at all |
|
I'm got grounded. I wasn't allowed to leave the house. My parents caught me prostituting outside of CVS. We got in a huge argument about AIDS and insulting the family name and they told me as a punishment they're not going to send me to college anymore.
So I ran away from home.
By some justifiable irony, I now must live on the streets and prostitute myself in order to pay for a college education.
It's okay though, I'm finally free to do what I love to do anyway -- fuck randos.
| music | fuckitwhocares |
| mood | shitassducks |
| how much i love cj | he takes care of me, as long as i pay him what I make |
|
I told CJ I was madly in love with him today and he got really pissed off. He just like, whipped out his dick and had it hanging there. Then there was a 20 minute awkward silence and I didn't know what to say.
| music | Love |
| mood | Dicks |
| how much i love cj | Dicks |
|
greetings and hallucitations!
cj and i realized that we were way too awesome for each other.
yeah it was like getting too much to handle. srsly
we figured we were better off having lots and lots of sex with other people, that way our oversurplus of awesome and Greatness would get distributed among the populace.
once we have enough sex we figure the levels will balance out again
our blankies though miss each other and are whinin and won't stfu. god damnit i'm trying to sleep at night you know. and its just like
NEHHH
NEHHHHH
and ure tryin all
STFUNKIN BLANKIEGODLMAO
and all it is is doin
NEEHHHHHHHHHHHH
and then fuckin Nerm wakes up. And he's like
=_= wuhtim sit
and I don't know what to say. I just don't know. At all. There's so many things I want to say, so many questions I have. So many things I didn't understand. So many memories I can trace back. So many little moments I think about. So many little moments that all lead up to now. Little moments where one thing was supposed to happen but it went in a different direction instead. Little chaotic moments. Little chaotic momentary decisions that swayed a boulder onto either side of its fence. And sometimes that boulder starts rolling. And sometimes you gotta be Sisyphus and push that boulder all the way back up to that fence. And it's this Perpetual yin/yang that drives Existential lust. Lust for Existence. Lust for the very thing that is to be Human. Lust for Feeling, whatever that feeling may be. Lust for something True. Something pure. Something untainted. Something blankie-like that fuels the very urge to Live.
And chaos has its Great Attractor. Whatever it may be. Perhaps Impossible to know. Perhaps it can be seen. Perhaps you can catch a glimpse of it. Catch a glimpse of its reflection backwards through time. Perhaps you can see how the whole thing unfolds.
Once you see it, you create it.
| music | and i fall to the ground when i hear that sound |
| mood | stfu |
| how much i love cj | NEGATIVE INFINITY |
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