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June 2nd - I'd fap on the spot

music   Veil Of Maya - [id]

LMlmfAo
you know i often start off my journals with some sort of bastardisation of lmao. It's always this big elaborate expression, emotion in every line and curve of the letters. Emotion in the typo. A cacophony of fingers hitting the keys.

!nu fkn zlin

I feel something different inside of me. Like something changed. Something clicked in my mind. I feel super human. There was like one day where I felt this, and it was a combination of several factors.

  1. One, I spent all day one day solving logic puzzles and IQ tests and playing 3 dimensional dual N-back rocket zoom. I felt highly stimulated. I also beat super mario bros with friggen Mega Man.

  2. Two, I started experimenting with being an alcoholic. I got a huge thing of red wine. 31 standard drinks. More on that below.

  3. Three, I had a really good long cry, a few actually. I cried listening to dillinger escape plan. DILLINGER! Cried to dillinger. Who would've ever anticipated this day. Option Paralysis is quite a beautiful album, I must say. The sing-songy emotional stuff, if you're in the right mood, really twangs you in the strings. And it's really well produced. And geniusly composed. Usually pop is cliche and yawnworthy but Dillinger manages to maintain authenticity. Soulful authenticity AND cerebral technicalness AND hardcore badassedry.

  4. Four, I realized I have best friends here. Yussef and Ryan and Reuben and Hayden. And the huge network of people they know. I looove hanging out at their house, it's basically one big philosopher fest. And I feel more connected to my flatmates. LMFAO it was so funny last night, laughing in Krista's room. (Omg, for some reason I have nostalgia for a future alternate reality where James dies, and I'm looking at a picture of him smiling wide "In Loving Memory of James" and I'm remembering back at all the times he'd run down the hallway to prank Krista.) And then all the Americans who hang out in first floor of O building -- Geoff and Liz and Alexis and Cam and John and Ashley and ... and my two really tall friends from the dancing class Josh and Jessen.
  5. Five, I was in a breakdance film lmao. I started going to the breakdance club. Woo! It's full of ridiculous Asians with ridiculous powers. It's weird, I didn't feel like I learned much when going, but the next few days I showed my friend Cam my breakdancing moves, and I was absurdly better. Here's a tip: forget the power moves, lmao. The most important part is flow, and flowing from within. If you try to logic your moves, you're missing out on the dance. If you try to emulate others, the dance is missing out on you. Evolve.



I'm listening to Plato's Republic.

I realized that saying things are "cool" and "awesome" all the time can get banal. There's a point I fear where it gets totally substanceless. Empty optimism. Like when you don't even care about people merely agreeing with you, you just want to know what they have to say. You gotta feedback actual information to people. And that's the good thing about cynicism I think. Because at least it stimulates the rational mind. But beyond that I think is turnsoutedness. Augmenting off of what other people say, in a collaborative stew of chaos and creativity. Neither in the banality of agreement nor in the dissonance of stubborn cynicism.

(5/8) Thinking back at high school, I think I was a lot like Socrates. Questioning people, to question their existence, adamently. I think now I've kind of become less philosophically combative. I like to see people's ideas play out for themselves, and augment off of them. I can absorb any point of view and play with it. But I'm starting to see maybe I'm too optimistic and defenseless and observant, maybe in some cases I should move back to a Socrates-like state, or at least stand up for something. (5/25) I find myself being more like Socrates again; questioning people (funny how reading a book influences the way you start thinking, and how the interaction of characters comes out in real life interaction.) While acknowledging I am not attached to any belief or ideology, I can still stand for something in proxy. Perhaps this is a step beyond; to debate ideas intelligently; to poke at people's ideologies, but not to the point of their annoyance.

The thing about debating is that the cognitive machine doing the debating can only handle so much, can only focus so much, can only think so much before becoming frustrated. Before the creative malleability hardens into a single point of view. To perform intelligent ideological warfare without getting people annoyed, pissed off, or depressed, or thinking they're inferior, or thinking you're a douchebag-- becomes delicate balancing act of empathy and rationality. The goal is to let ideas roam free without any bias of the monkey operating system running them. The ego (the self in the face of perceived threat) can really get in the way of clarity. Threats to one['s image of being correct] can cloud judgement; perhaps the cortisol diminishes thinking ability. Perhaps the core of debate ought to be the faith that all points of view rationally converge at some point (do you want to debate this XD)

Socrates is the real Jesus. He died, sarcrificed himself at the hand of the state, for the sake of rationality, for the good of philosophy. For good, beauty, and justice. He kept his own till the day he died. Plato's writings are like the foundation of Western culture. Of philosophy. Of democracy. A lot of the questions he asked are still our questions today.

Why are most people I talk to unhappy? wtf. Sometimes I want to go up to people and be like "WHY ARE YOU DEPRESSED? HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU BE DEPRESSED WHEN YOURE ALIVE. MOTHERFUCKING ALIVE. MOTHERFUCKING MOMENT OF BEAUTY HAPPENING RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES. MOTHERFUCKING HOW CAn tHiS NOT BE THE PEAK OF LIFE RIGHT NOW? TELL ME?! TELL ME THIS ISN'T THE PEAK OF LIFE!?!?? Convince me. Someone just convince me" Is my brain different? Am I just fucking different from everyone? I don't get it. My blood is boiling. I just want to grab everyone and shake the life into everyone. Do I have to use hypnosis? NLP? The gift of gab? Are you actually going to sit there and justify your unhappiness? I want you to. Do it. Convince me you're unhappy. Convince me and I'll stop.

I'd fap on the spot if I ever saw anyone do that.

Maybe i'll get really fired up and throw it into a rap song or something.